Nir Eyal: Perception, Not Relationships, Drives Conflict

In his new book Cree lo increíble, logra lo imposible, author and former Stanford lecturer Nir Eyal argues that relationship problems are often perception problems. He illustrates this with a personal anecdote: after sending his mother flowers for her birthday, she thanked him but commented on the flowers' condition, which he immediately interpreted as criticism. He responded sarcastically, "Vale, muy bien; pues ten por seguro que no te volveré a mandar flores" Source: Clarin.

The perception trap

Eyal explains that he assumed his mother was being critical and ungrateful, which led his attention to seek confirming evidence—focusing on her tone and past episodes while overlooking her initial gratitude. He cites researcher Ellen Langer, who calls this "consciencia hueca" (hollow consciousness): "En cuanto creemos conocer a alguien, dejamos de verlo como es. Interactuamos con nuestra imagen mental de esa persona en lugar de con el ser humano que tenemos delante" Source: La Vanguardia. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as Eyal describes the cycle with his mother: his defensive responses made her react harshly, which he then saw as confirmation that she was impossible to please Source: Clarin.

Questioning beliefs

To challenge this belief, Eyal turned to Byron Katie's method, The Work, which poses four questions: "¿Es verdad?", "¿Puedes saber que es verdad con absoluta certeza?", "¿Cómo reaccionas, qué sucede, cuando crees ese pensamiento?", and "¿Quién o qué serías sin el pensamiento?" Source: La Vanguardia. Applying these to the thought "Mi madre es demasiado crítica y difícil de complacer," he realized he could not know with certainty her intentions: "No podía saber cuál era su intención ni en qué estaba pensando al hacer ese comentario" Source: Clarin. The book encourages readers to examine how their beliefs shape their perceptions and actions, suggesting that changing these beliefs can transform relationships and outcomes.